The Butcher Of Bakersville
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“Aren’t you going to take a bite? You haven’t eaten since you’ve arrived… You must be famished.” the dastardly Lady Moira asked her captives with a wicked smile.
Renowned private investigator Megan ‘Sherlock Fluff’ Holmes and her somewhat loyal companion, Amy Watsonheit, sat across from the not so noble Lady as their legs and left arms laid chained to their chairs. Their right arms had been spared this capture… but not for any good or just reason.
“I’ve never been one to put strange meats in my mouth… How do I know these people didn’t have syphilis or something?” Amy mockingly shrugged.
“You may be a cannibal but... you do seem a little cheap… And your paintings are tacky! Mwahaha!” she smirked with a deviant chuckle.
She was unfazed by the gravity of the situation as she gazed into Moira’s eyes, the large elegant table serving only as a false comfort as it sat dividingly between them. Moira smirked.
“Well… Perhaps true class may seem cheap to you. But that’s only because you must now be so used to tipping cows over down by whatever farming community you crawled out of that you… can no longer tell the difference between the shine of my silvers… and the gloss of your belly. You do seem the type to have been raised and fed on stupidity... and fat.”
“Rabbit, this fancy bitch just called me fat! Are you gonna sit there and let her speak to me that way? Huh?! Are you?!” Amy snapped at her companion.
But Megan spoke not a word. And instead, she simply stared deeply at her captor only so she could better formulate her plan of escape. Sherlock Fluff, as she was called, bore that title due to her adorableness… and ingenuity. A bulb lit up in her mind as her nostrils flared and eyeballs glared.
She had an idea...
“I AM A DINOSAUR!” Megan shouted as she stood up as far as she could with her legs locked to the chair before leaping onto the beautiful table.
“I AM A DINOSAUR, I AM A DINOSAUR!” she screamed as she trashed about, flinging both dinner and silverware across the table and floor. But then after a short while… she stopped.
“Urgh, goddamn it… I was hoping that would’ve broken the chair.” Megan grumbled.
“That’s it? That was your whole plan?! For fuck’s sake, you really are a derpy brained moron!” Amy snapped. And Moira laughed.
“You imbeciles have no hope to escape my wicked chains of torment! I will carve you up like dogs and roast you alive like chicken before I feed off on the paltry nourishment of the flesh that stains your bones like a parasite!” Moira shouted.
“Wait, who’s the parasite? Moira or the flesh?” Sophie asked.
“The flesh. Shush, stay quiet or you’ll ruin the shot.” Lindsay said.
“You cannot escape and soon all of London will feast upon my delectable and very affordable new canned meats! What better way to clear the streets of the blessed impoverished while still turning a profit?! The days of dirty alleys and unwashed faces will now come to an end!” Moira mocked as she stood from her chair. Amy sighed and rolled her eyes.
“I’d say that’s horrible but… meh.” she shrugged and lazily looked away. She was getting hungry after all.
“I’LL NEVER LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!” Megan screamed as she reached out with her free hand to grab a knife next to Moira’s plate. She then swung wildly at her captor.
“Argh, you bitch!” Moira shouted as she took a step back. She had been cut, not deeply, but enough to send a message.
“WE DOESN’T AFRAID OF YOU!” Megan shouted before flinging herself off the table.
But this time… the chair did, in fact, break as she landed on the hard wooden floors of the wicked Lady’s manor. Wooden splinters flew across the luxurious room before they disappeared outside the reaches of the dim lighting.
“You’re free! Come get me out, dumb-ass, before this idiot keeps monologuing!” Amy shouted.
Megan then quickly tried to bring herself up to her feet before being interrupted when Moira picked up a large tray that had been flung to the ground. She promptly smashed it down against the poor investigator’s head.
“Argh, goddamn it!” Megan shouted as she collapsed back onto the floor. But never one to give in too quickly, she reached out and pulled on Moira’s feet instead, bringing her captor down to the floor with her.
“Fuck!” Moira shouted as she painfully landed.
Not missing a beat, Megan finally stood back up as Amy rocked back and forth in her chair.
“Goddamn it, Rabbit! You flung all the biscuits away! Can’t…. reach…. Fuck!”
Moira darted up like a phantom before staring Sherlock Fluff in the eyes.
“I’ll eat your soul, bitch.” she coldly threatened.
“And I will yell as I spin around in circles around you!” Megan snapped back.
“What?” Moira asked. Amy sighed.
“It’s some sort of weird Irish death threat or something.” she rolled her eyes.
“She’s weird.” Amy shrugged.
Moira and the investigator then began exchanging blows; one by one they struck each other’s faces, shoulders, and abdomens. Each one hoping the other would succumb to the pain before their own ambitions fell undone. And as they fought... Amy kept reaching.
“Al...most…. A ha ha! I got the biscuit! I got the biscuit, Rabbit! Now! ….where’s the butter?” she cackled in amusement.
“You are a Satanist crazy bitch!” Megan shouted as she bashed Moira across the forehead.
“And you’re a big, stupid imbecilsaur!” Moira retorted as she uppercut Megan’s chin.
“Imbecilsaur! Mwahaha! Rabbit, that was hilarious! You’re an imbecilsaur! Get it? Cus you’re the fucking idiot that spilled all the butter! Goddamn it, where’s the jelly for my biscuit then?!” Amy laughed.
The battle raged on as the two girls fought each other across this magnificent, vast, and spacious room. Moira did indeed have a taste for elegance. Classical statues, breathtaking paintings, and busts of saints were all spread out to admire… And all were weapons to be used by the embodiment of fury and vengeance herself.
“I YELL AT THE YOU, I YELL AT THE YOU!” Megan screamed as she began flinging priceless artifacts across the room. Moira dodged them all with a demonic speed without ever breaking her devil’s stare.
“Stop throwing all my shit around, you lunatic!” Moira snapped.
“I YELL AT YOUR STUPID PAINTINGS, I YELL AT YOUR STUPID PAINTINGS!” Megan shouted… until she picked up a large decorative egg from a long cabinet stand on the side of the room.
“Urgh, what the fuck… Is this a real egg? IS IT GOING TO HATCH INTO DINOSAUR?!” Megan asked excitedly. Her enthusiasm was cut short as she was struck in the face by a flying bowling ball.
“Holy shit! Megan, are you ok?!” Nina asked in horror.
“Where’d you get that bowling ball?” Lindsay wondered.
“I don’t think those are era appropriate… You know, with the hentai girl drawings on them.” Faye sighed.
“Bruh, direct hit, up top!” Pepe laughed.
“Dumb-ass, dumb-ass!” Amy shouted as Megan collapsed onto the floor.
“Turtle! Turtle! Yo, idiot!” she continued her pleas.
“Urgh…. WHAT?!” Megan slowly grumbled as she lay dazed on the floor. The world spun mercilessly around her.
“LOOK OUT, SHE’S GONNA THROW A BOWLING BALL AT YOU!” Amy shouted… and then she laughed.
“OH WAIT, IT’S TOO LATE, SORRY!” she cackled uncontrollably with sadistic amusement. Megan groaned louder.
“I HATE YOU! AND MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!” she cried.
Megan lay seemingly defeated on the cold floor blinded by the pain, and despite the amusing conflict these three were engaged in, Moira had decided their wicked blows were now finally ready to come to an end.
She pulled out a long, key-handled blade from under a large windowed display case before walking menacingly over to the poor little knocked-down Rabbit dinosaur detective.
“This is the dagger I use… to prepare my meals. The weapon I wield... to create the feasts worthy of the end times! And soon! No one will stop my horrors from seeping into this world… so that we may devour all that has been promised to us by the Lord of Darkness!” Moira cackled wildly with malice and cruelty.
But despite all this and all the torments they had experienced… Megan was not known to be the kind of person that would ever afraid at the thing.
“I… will stop you!” Megan spoke her words of defiance as she looked up at the blood soaked angel of death that stood over and above her broken form.
“Have you ever pried flesh from the bone? The screams… Oh heavens, how you’ll scream and scream...” Moira smiled with pure evil in her eyes as she knelt down before Megan.
She then rested the blade of the dagger against the totally not afraid Rabbit’s face, the shine almost blinding her with terror.
“Do you know why I always start with the face? Hmm? It’s because that… is where the person is.” Moira smirked inhumanely. “That is what we must ruin… and destroy!”
And so, she laughed… before a loud metal clang was suddenly heard bouncing off the back of her head. She had been struck, her eyes bloomed wide open as the emotion and color drained from her own face.
And then she collapsed.
“RABBIT, I FOUND THE JELLY! It was right under this really big pot! Mwahaha!” Amy cackled.
Alas, the terrible Butcher of Bakersville now lay unconscious on the floor next to Megan as a large metal bowl softly rolled back and forth on the ground. Megan sighed.
“Goddamn it, that was too close!” Rabbit shouted as Amy chewed.
“Man, this food is delicious! Stupid cannibal cultist rich people always have the best things! Come on, turtle-fuck! Let’s see what we can steal! Get me out of this chair!” Amy commanded as she took bite after bite.
Lardberry was always her favorite kind of jelly.
“Urgh… Can’t! We have to contact Scotland Yard!” Megan softly cried out as she stood up, still dazed by the bowling ball that had been flung at her head.
Although it seems she was that much more resilient than the damnable butcher who had been struck down with comparatively only a pot thanks to Amy’s quick thinking and wicked throwing arm.
The short one of terrible darkness cackled as her best friend in the whole world slowly wandered over to free her. Megan had picked up the key to their shackles from Moira’s still body and then proceeded to unlock Amy without any hesitation.
“Your lame and would’ve died if I hadn’t helped you.” Amy mocked.
“YOU’RE SHORT AND YOU SMELL LIKE OLD FRUIT!” Megan snapped.
The illustrious, yet out of this world, investigative pair now stood triumphantly at the scene of their latest accomplishment. A butcher had been detained and the city could rest now safely; free from monsters that would hunt after flesh and chase behind livers…
Or at least… for a time.